Strength For the Search

Today marks 4 weeks since my mother disappeared. We have every reason to believe it was a suicide. She'd been battling PTSD and Clinical Depression for 40 years. When people remark on how well I'm taking it, I remind them that I have been preparing for this for 17 years. This is not a surprise. I can't decide if that makes it better or worse.

One of my childhood best friends sent a "strength" key to me unexpectedly. I'd never heard of this project before then. I was deeply moved. I wore it around the house for a few days, and then I hung it on the lamp next to my bed. 

A few days ago, I had a 2 hour conversation with my younger sister who still lives in our hometown. I am luckily 900 miles away, a distance that I much prefer. She is not taking our mothers disappearance very well. She has been searching back roads for weeks, organizing search campaigns, posting flyers, talking to police, taking care of the animals, offering support to our stepdad... She has had to take a leave from work, but still manages to go to school at night.

While she is a strong person, she is taking this very hard and unlike me, she can't escape this. I have the opportunity to forget about this and continue on with my life as planned until we find my mother's body, but my sister is constantly faced with the fact that our mother is missing.

This past week the reality of the legal and financial position we are now in has also surfaced. In short, it is a mess. I have no intention of traveling up there until we have a body. There is nothing I can do there that I can't do here, but there are plenty of things I can do here that I can't do there. 

I have decided that my sister needs the key of "strength" much more than I do right now, and so I have bundled it up with a handmade card to send to her. I hope she will appreciate it and that she will remain strong during this very difficult time. 



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