February 25, 2015
Just Breathe No Matter What
Three years ago, I met a boy who was arrogant, frivolous, selfish and detached. At first I scoffed at his youth and attitude, dismissing him as someone amusing but, ultimately, uninteresting. The more I learned though, the more I liked. And let's face it, it's extremely difficult to resist the advances of a beautiful and confident Frenchman. He was smart, sexy, goofy and sweet, and I think we found comfort in each other after some previous disappointments and heartbreaks. We became close - great friends actually, and we remained close long after he returned to France.
We met a year later in Thailand, fell properly in love, and then four days after I got home, my best friend passed away. I lost myself then, for a long time. I was furious at the world for taking him, furious at my friends for being okay again so quickly, and furious at myself for missing the last three weeks of his life. I mourned in all the wrong ways, uncontrollably. I became a different person, someone I am ashamed of. I took advantage of people. I isolated myself. I convinced myself that nothing else mattered, but of course, I was wrong. I called my love the same day my best friend passed away and told him "I'm never going to be happy again", but I was wrong again. He mattered. And he managed to make me happy again when I thought it wasn't possible. This boy - this beautiful, arrogant, sweet boy - saved me. He came from France to look after me, and I started to be able to breathe again.
Still though, I wasn't quite myself. I ran away overseas and escaped from everything that reminded me of what had been lost. I refused to think about it while I was gone, and I bought a Giving Key in LA as a souvenir for my love. I thought the "BREATHE" slogan was appropriate to him as he is a stress-head and an over-thinker, but the truth is, I needed it more than he did. Coming home was hard - the unwelcome return to reality. But I can never regret having him here when I got back. Things haven't always been easy and clear between us. We've clashed, fought, cold warred, and broken up, but there hasn't yet been an obstacle that we couldn't overcome. He is everything to me, he is totally magnetic. With him I have become someone I'm proud to be, someone slightly more than the person I was before I lost my way. I've learned how to be patient, I've learned how to be wrong, and most importantly, I've learned how to give a shit again. So no matter what happens between us, I have faith in us. In the fact that we share love, companionship, and mutual respect. I know that he worries about how things are and will be between us, but I've never been more sure. I'm finally becoming secure about myself again, and that is thanks to him. So it is time to pass the Key, although the key is just the symbol. What makes the real difference through hard times is those remarkable people who stand by us with (virtually!) unflinching patience and understanding. The fact is, I would have been okay again, eventually, if I had done it alone. But the beauty is, I didn't have to.
So all I can do is offer the same in return - this key, my love, my faith, unconditionally. I will stand by you through anything, even when you don't believe. Merry Christmas. Bisous.