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Scarred But Unbroken


 

 

I've never fully told my whole story, but I feel like sharing it is important. Before I do, I want every single person dealing with issues in their life to know that recovery is possible and it's beautiful and it's worth it - it's so worth it. 

 

I've had a very emotionally draining few years. I was struggling with personal issues that were much too serious for me to handle on my own. I was in a dark place in my life, and felt as though I would never be happy again. I resorted to the only thing that I felt helped me cope. My parents found out that I self harmed. I was forced into treatment, diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety and put on medication. After a while, we thought things were finally back to "normal," that I was "okay" again... at least that's what everyone else thought. Meanwhile, I was still struggling but kept my problems a secret. I relapsed and lost a noticeable amount of weight. I was just so depressed I couldn't even eat. 

Then one day, I snapped. To this day I'm not sure how or why I sunk so deep, but rock bottom is where I landed is a place I never want to go ever again. I was in a place I wouldn't wish on my sworn enemy. I couldn't function anymore, my thoughts were consumed by darkness and depression and it took every ounce of strength I had to just sit up in bed, never mind get out of it. I don't think I've ever been so scared in my life. I was taken to a suicide watch hospital. I was in such a state of depression that I didn't even want to self harm anymore. My sadness had gotten to the point where I felt nothing but hopelessness and complete fear and it felt impossible to see beyond that. 

I can't tell you how I pulled through it, but I did. I would not have been able to do it without the support of my friends and family. But there is one other person that I would not be here today without, and that is Demi Lovato. She has helped me through all of this. She has shown me that I am more than my mental illness, more than my scars, and that my past does not define who I am and it certainly does not define my future. I CAN be happy and I CAN be successful and I CAN live with my problems.

So when my best friend gave me a giving key for my birthday this past November, I was happy to read the word "unbroken" carved into it. Without Demi, I would not be able to stand here today and tell myself that I am beautiful, that I deserve to be happy, nor be as happy as I am. This past month I waited 10 hours to see Demi on Good Morning America. I don't think i've ever cried so hard as when I met her for the second time that morning (I had met her the first time before entering treatment). As she was walking away, I handed her my "unbroken" necklace, and she thanked me. "Unbroken" encompasses all that Demi is and all the that she's given me to become as strong as I am. Giving her my key was my way of thanking her for helping me get to where I am today. I truly hope she still has it because it means absolutely everything to me. 

So while that's my story thus far, I will continue to write. There are days when I can't believe how far I have come, and there are days when I feel like my progress is fading. It's a fight, and I can't win every battle, but I refuse to lose the war.

-Maddy

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