Picking up the key pinned to the side of my door I took one look at the words inscribed, and felt my heart drop. Never before have two simple words put together, “LET GO”, meant so much to me. Facing my emotions about my family and love life was the last thing I wanted to do but this key set the beginning of a yearlong process of letting go. It was never easy. It was a year of sadness, fear, stress, anxiety, and depression. It was a year of answering, “I’m fine” to every “How are you?” and knowing that each time I felt worse than the day before. It was a constant struggle between getting up in the morning and succumbing to the lack of motivation that kept me in bed all day. Moreover, it was a year of finding the strength I needed to finally fight for myself.
The weight of those words hung heavy around my neck every day I wore it until one day I felt the weight of its release. That day I could finally think of my dad and not become overwhelmed with anger for his abandonment. In the same way, I could look at a picture of my first love without crying. I could see our memories and hold my head high knowing that I gave everything I had and left our deteriorating relationship with dignity. In the past year, I decided that my laugh, my smile, and my happiness are my own and I finally learned to love myself with the same love I had given to people that took it for granted.
Recently, I had the empowering opportunity to give my key away. When I heard my friend’s story and began to help her through her situation I realized that this was the person I was waiting to meet to give my key to. Although I’ve passed my key on my struggle is far from over. The difference now however, is that I know that letting go is experiencing, making mistakes, learning, and growing. That is where I go from here.
December 16, 2015