In August 2015, I gave birth to my first child, a girl, Zoey. She was the child I had been waiting for, I couldn't wait to be a mom! Well, I came home from the hospital with her, and my world turned upside down. I was hit full force with Postpartum depression, something no one warns new mothers about. I was at the lowest point I have ever been in my entire life. I hated my husband, resented him, had awful thoughts about my daughter, it was debilitating. I was supposed to be experiencing the greatest moments of my life, and I could barely function. My world was crumbling, and no matter what I did, nothing was fixing it.
One Saturday morning, I was home with my husband and daughter, and my husband and I started arguing, it got to the point, where I just stood up, walked away, and locked myself in the bathroom with a pair of scissors. I wanted to die. I felt that my daughter would be better off without me, my husband would be happier with me gone, and I wouldn't be in pain anymore. My husband nearly broke the door down and pulled me up off the floor. He talked me down off the ledge, for the moment anyway.
After that day, I decided that I needed to try to push through this. The therapy alone wasn't working, the medication wasn't working. It was all up to me now. I had to learn to Breathe in every situation and evaluate every outcome of the situation. I have a Semicolon project tattoo on my arm that reads Breathe. I got it the week after the bathroom incident. I have become an activist for Postpartum depression awareness. I have become a leader for the national annual walk to raise awareness. And I now refuse to let the illness rule my life.
My best friend bought me a Giving Key necklace with the word Breathe on it for my 30th birthday. I haven't taken it off. I will use it to spread my story, and to help other women overcome their postpartum depression. It is not something any woman should be ashamed of. The first step in overcoming it is to stop, and Breathe.
-Amanda
