Remembering to Believe

This is my love story, or the story of my life. Only time will tell. All of my previous relationships were failed attempts of searching for something that had a purpose. Nothing had satisfied my craving of being someone who could make a difference in someone's life. So I took a risk on a woman, just divorced with a 6 month old son. There were a lot of red flags, but I had become tired of taking the safe route in my dating life and wanted to get outside of my comfort zone. I thought I would have nothing to lose by trying. I was wrong.

From the very first time we hung out, It was a love at first site type of feeling. Something felt very different about this girl. Her beauty was stunning, and the smile that was on her face was just the type of difference that I had been looking to make in someone's life. This was my opportunity to be there for someone. We were inseparable in the beginning, hours upon hours on the phone, spending all of our time together. I remember vividly the first time I held her son. I was unaware at the time that I was falling in love with 2 people all at once. His own father is non existent in his life. This was going to be my chance to be bigger than myself. There are too many situations in this world we live in and very rarely do men become brave enough to step into these circumstances. I learned from my father's example he set by raising my step brother and sister. You see, I am a father also, of a teenage son. I have sacrificed my young adult life, to become a responsible parent. This was my chance to prove to myself, that I can take on this role of being a father to someone else's child. It was the most gratifying experience that I have ever gone through in my life. Yet, I sit here today feeling that I let him down also. I never really made it to the role that I wanted to become for him.

Like any relationship, we both made excuses, neglected our time spent together, both being parents, having responsibilities for work and family, it took its toll and we began to drift slightly apart. We both recognized this, and wanted to work at regaining the spark that we were letting slip away. We both failed in the effort that it took, and instead our relationship became filled with bitterness, uncomfortable moments, and once the doubt started to creep in, it became harder to control for myself. I started questioning everything, from the beginning all the way up until as I write this. I placed a lot of blame on her, but I am just as responsible for the pain I may have caused this relationship. I often look at myself in the mirror and wonder if the task was too big for me? Did I underestimate the amount of work that it took to be in this role? Yes, My confidence exceeded my expectations. I was sure that I could handle everything, but I was wrong. I sit here humbled by the experience. Frustrated, that I didn't recognize all the things I was doing wrong early on, saying the wrong things, acting the wrong way. I thought all the lessons I had learned from the past would pay off. This was supposed to be the relationship that lasted. I know in my gut that the end is here. I want her to know that she has taught me so much more about myself that I didn't know. I have spent an insane amount of time reflecting since we've been apart. I failed us, and I have to accept that and have become stronger for it. While I was so consumed of trying to be everything for her, I never let her know how much she was everything for me. She made a difference in my life but I never let her know that. Simple mistakes with such a big price to pay. She needed to hear and see as much as I wanted to hear and see. I was blinded by my own selfishness. My mind thinks of the worst of her, and my heart aches for the best of her. So I want her to know that she can be the perfect woman. I have witnessed it, and lived it with her. I want her to believe more in herself and what she is capable of when it comes to loving someone. To remember the absolutely best of our experience together and never settle for anything less than that. We both deserve that. She is my first true love, and I will never forget how that feels. As we both take different paths forward, I can only imagine how different it would be if they shall cross again. I want her to have this key, to BELIEVE in herself. Because I will always believe in her, regardless of what the future holds for each of us.

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